PaMy

11:43 pm: Memories

Ever find yourself looking back fondly on a memory, wishing you were back where you were then, doing what you were doing?

What were you reminiscing? Was it the activity or the people? The environment or the mood? Or just a little bit of everything?

Perhaps. But I think we tie our memories to the emotion we're feeling at that time. Good, bad, happy, sad. When we remember, we feel. When we feel, we remember.

I think whenever I feel like I need sometime to relax but I don't have it, I'll remember 20 year old me in the passenger seat of a blue mustang with the top down cruising down I-5 north cause we wanted to, we could, and we did. Sure the my hair was blowing against the wind and I looked more like Katy Perry (pre-makeover) in TGIF rather than Katy Perry in Teenage Dream but I felt free. And ridiculous (but that's another story). For the most part though, free.

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12:49 am: Of labours lost

I typed a really long passionate post about writing. Then my phone died and it wasn't saved as a draft. So this is all I'm writing for now. Cause the moment's gone.

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01:14 am: A Short Passage About 3 Girls In A Room Filled With Lots Of Other People

"There's this thing about them. It's like they're there but never there. When they don't talk anyway. When they do their laughs permeate through every air particle in the room you can't help but notice them. Pretty you say? No. There are prettier girls around. They however, are just... different. It's as if they have some magical aura sucking up all the attention in the room. It's as if a force is pulling their gazes in the direction of the girls and you just can't help but look at them that way."

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01:13 am: Music and how it makes you feel

I love music that makes you feel. It doesn't have to be melodically or lyrically brilliant but it must convey some sort of feeling or emotion. At least for me lah. I just find it difficult to relate to a song that has no feeling.

Now I'm someone who loves her top 40 hits, dance tracks, indie darlings, punk-rock bands, jazz-blues, show tunes etc. So if you ask me if Gaga's songs evoke some sort of a feeling, I'll readily say yes. And proceed to explain how and why. But that's another story for another day.

Oh ya the point of this post is to say that I quite like Lana del Rey. Spent much of the plane ride back from Hanoi listening to her album. Totally makes you feel trippy. But a different sort of trippy from Coldplay's Mylo Xyloto. That is all.

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01:06 am: What It Means to be 23 (right now at age 23)
Fresh out of school, filled with dreams.
The world's your oyster.
You'd like to believe that.
We were made to believe that.

They asked when we were children
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
With enthusiastic voices we answered.

Then we grew up.
But it didn't feel like growing up.
You just were.
I still don't feel grown up.

(Truth be told, the other time I started thinking in a "grown up" way, i.e. getting married, starting a family and what not, I had a minor panic attack. Initially I thought it was commitment-phobia but then I realized it didn't stem from worrying about being tied down to a person. It's more about being tied down to financial commitments. SO I guess it still can be considered commitment-phobia. But moving on)

23 feels like limbo.
It's a prime number for one.
Doesn't fit anywhere,
Can't be divided,
It's certainly not a multiple of anything
Except maybe 23.
And 1.

But I guess it's a good feeling
Not knowing what the future holds
When we can't see too clearly
We're forced to take risks
To step out into the fog
And pray fervently we don't fall into the abyss.
If we do, I suppose we still can get back up?

Sometimes though, I do wish life would just write itself
And tell me how this story is going to play out
What's the next chapter like?
And the one after that.
So that I can stop wondering
And the suspense can stop killing me.

Life won't have it any other way though.
And at 23, I should relish this feeling.
Of dreaming and hoping,
Planning and thinking
Wishing and wanting.

Because when you know everything, nothing will excite you anymore.
And that feeling of excitement,
That thrill, that sensation, that buzz
Is one of the most excellent feelings to have in the world.

So okay life. I accept that at 23, I just have to wait to find out what's in store.
Good, bad, happy, sad.
Whatever will be will be.
^_^

07:11 pm: Like a turtle

I feel like a turtle sometimes. But a friendly turtle.

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03:00 am: A Tribute to Gaga & Vanilla Sky

I find myself here again, seeking solace for imaginary fears through writing words that don't quite mean what they used to.

I find myself looking at things and intelligently knowing what they are but less capable of telling what's real and what's not.

I find myself in a position where I can dance around decisions with the choices at hand not knowing how it ends, but simply believing that all is well.

The writer closes his journal and lies in bed thinking.

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10:35 pm: School

For the longest time, I remembered myself wishing, especially as a young kid, that I'd be able to fast forward my life to now. The whole finishing of school and working phase of my life. Motivation then was pure and simple. As a kid, I didn't have money of my own to spend apart from the weekly allowance I got (which I actually managed to save quite a bit of however little I had, strange that I find it harder now lol) and in my mind I would think "Gosh, if only I had a job and my own money, I could buy whatever I want." Which as a kid pretty much amounted to having fast food all the time. Fast food then, was king. Having McDonald's was a big deal in primary school. I wanted school life to be over so that I could make money to buy things without having to get permission from my parents.

But now I know why we all need school. Apart from the education bit of course.

As students, we are made to believe that education is our main responsibility and as such, due to many educational TV shows and motivational talks, a lot of us are made to believe that we can do anything as long as we set our minds to it. Thus we set out to achieve something. Anything. Because we're students, we can't fail. Well academically, yes we can, and that can be a pretty dire situation. But we can't fail in life cause we haven't lived it in its entirety yet (though we might feel that way when grades don't go the way we want them to). So we try to do so many things cause who knows when we'll next get to do random shit. We want to feel like we can change the world. Not everyone, but I think many do. In our ways, we want to leave something tangible behind, something that we can remember ourselves by. To look back at our student lives at whatever phase and go "I'm glad I did that". Cause who knows when we'll get the chance to do that something that we want. That particular something. Or anything really for that matter.

And also the fact that when you start the rest of your life, you kinda start on a blank slate again. It's a new beginning, a new chapter of life. As with anything new, there's the element of surprise, excitement tinged with apprehension, fear mixed with exhilaration. Your head's spinning at the possibilities, your heart's pounding against your chest at the thought of the unknown. In a way, it's like first day of kindergarten, the first of primary school. Just that back then, I think fear was less of an option. We just didn't understand fear as much. Cause we had less to lose, we had nothing to lose even.

That's what school's kinda about. It gives you the chance to do things and fail with lesser repercussions. Note the use of the word lesser. But still.

02:14 am: Life and other related things

So school has kinda sorta officially ended of course assuming I pass everything and graduate.

And soon we'll all flutter on to the next phase of our life, work, and then so on and so forth. (I had a teacher who used that phrased a lot and I didn't understand why but I guess now I do)

Most of us will lead straightforward enough lives I think.

But a friend of mine who's slightly older told me that straightforward may not exactly be the best way. Having had a good 10 years more life experience than me, she has seen friends regret the decisions they made in their twenties for one reason or another.

I guess though it's comforting to look at life with goals or like landmarks we wish to reach at certain points, sometimes the best journeys come with the long and winding roads. It's just that most people are afraid to take that path cause who knows where you'll end up right?

Sigh, oh wells, je ne sais pas :)

To borrow a phrase from lonelyisland, life I hope to slay you like a boss hehehe ^_^

01:35 pm: one of those dreams
Last night I had one of those dreams.

You know the ones that feel really real. Where you wake up feeling tired, as if you had truly lived through the events that happened in your dream. The ones so vivid that you can remember things down to the smallest detail.

You wake up trying to figure out what it means. You come up with theories or possible explanations for what things stand for and why you feel this way. To be honest, you probably know the answer already. It's probably something that's been lingering in your subconscious mind for sometime now but you just haven't done anything about it.

How do I feel about it? Well, I'd like to think my mind/consciousness traveled to a parallel dimension where everything's kinda the same except that reality as we know it differs from the world we live in.

Of course, I also feel like going back to sleep, to see if I'll somehow find my way back to that world, if only for awhile :)

It was a good, happy and fun dream ^_^